The exercise of the inner Calling
Many around me wonder as to what pushes me towards this passion. I did never have a readymade answer to this. I grappled with this question to understand myself, but I got more and more confused..
The fire in me has been palpable, but nothing in my world could prove that the intuition was correct. So I let go of the puzzle many times whenever I was confronted with it. Just tried to be myself, albeit with a bit uneasily.
“Was I following a spiritual path?”, a question I asked myself because I lived simply with bare minimum necessities; and my friends wondered if I am withdrawing within. But my friend Arun asked me one day, “ Why would you like to pursue a spiritual path?”
So I tried to explore few possibilities. I wanted to be free from negative patterns of my mind. My work warranted to be touching a chord within a human heart to be influential. I had experimented that it required me to be compassionate, and in order to do so I had to be loving despite negative behaviours in front. I remained unperturbed even there was great agitation around, which eventually would lead to pacify everybody.
Perhaps each of us realise that the most terrible moments are when we are blinded by our own perceptions of certain situations. The world is in a flow; and whether I do it or not, the developments will be affected because of its own mechanism of change. Perhaps my contribution can only be to the means to such a mechanism.
I was on the growth path. I was told ; “ when you see a fault within yourself, don’t despair, but rejoice. It’s been there all along, now that you have seen it, start working to change it.”
So that was what I tried to be at Bandhavgarh. I was propelled by a vision of change, and I had a master plan for it. The plan itself could result in energy patterns that can be both positive and negative at different times, based on the level of attachment to it; which means the moment I swayed towards owning the change then a negative pattern emerged which troubled the peace. Alternatively, when the plan is put on the flow, there is freedom as the universe is on its own flux.
There were particularly negative thoughts when the ladies did not come up to the challenge of the task in front. Perhaps they needed some more time, because the collective action was missing all the time. The impatience brought criticism; and rebel. Even the positive actions were turned a blind to.
So the alternative recourse was chosen. They were excluded at times, and the task went to others who could do it. It was a fault, and the negative emotions continued for long. After a while, now I have withdrawn from the scene and the new direction has attended its course towards the very positive which I had envisioned always.
The direct affirmations to counter the negative feelings would have been difficult. At least the heart would have recognized such an emotion to be artificial. So I drafted another dream; A bigger dream which was to include Madhya Pradesh, Chhattishgarh and Jharkhand into the ultimate objective. The farmers of all these three states would now go millionaire when the dream is realized.
Am I still unattached to the mechanism of the universe? I have put a practice for the same. I am advised to be patient. The deeper the Karma, the longer the time required to change it. “ Don’t constantly dig up the spiritual seeds you are sowing to see if they are taking root. Let them grow in their own time to become mighty plants.”
I have been bringing the problem to God by a prayer for a solution, which is beyond me or is not at all occurring me. The problems get their way. And so the magic of Bandhavgarh occured and continuing! I may or may not be entitled to Bandhavgarh ever in life, but that does not matter anymore. I shall do my part and let go, and shall disappear one day.
The torchbearers will be there for the next phase!